Another week in the Territory and a week closer to death. From the call for an Indigenous round AFL game for the NT, to the newly formed Terry-less Alliance party to the sad, sad, passing of Territory icon Sweary Mick. This is what is good and what is gammon this week.

Big Dreamtime idea

The Richmond Essendon AFL game drew the national spotlight to the Northern Territory. The game had The Age senior football writers talking about how the game should be held in Darwin every three years, but that would require the AFL, and the teams, to give up the money that comes with the massive MCG crowd to play it in a place that feels like a spiritual home. The reporters and Channel Seven’s Front Bar program both offered up the idea of having a new Indigenous round concept game created specifically for Darwin. Alice Springs should figure in the thinking too. The NT Government has done a good job getting AFL football here and they have a chance to help create something very special.

Dreamtime at the D was good, an annual Indigenous round game in the NT would be great and appropriate. Now all the NT Government has to do is get the building certified.

The government you decided on

We voted – well around 75 per cent of us did – and despite our skepticism being swallowed whole by our cynicism, Territorians did get the chance to vote for their government. And that’s a great thing, denied to most of the people who have ever lived. However it would be healthier for our Territory if more remote Indigenous people voted. We need to find a way to make that happen – helping them have more power in forcing Territory governments of both stripes to spend the untied Federal Government funding for Indigenous disadvantage in a way that is actually about helping Aboriginal people.

Finding ways to get more Indigenous people participating in the NT’s democracy would be good. And actually following through with it even better.

The William Wallace Award

It has been awhile since we have presented this prestigious award for the slaughtering of English. But we are giving it to CLP leader Lia Finocchiaro for her election night speech and the words: “If there is one thing that I know, it is the CLP is back”. Sure mate. Was she watching the same election result?

We all end up losing an election, it’s just a question of how and why.

Voting is good but if one section of your community doesn’t it is gammon. And not increasing your popular vote is not a victory.

Trust the people who do the good things with the numbers and stuff.

NT Electoral Commission boss Iain Longanathan needs to get this bloke in on a special consultancy.

These are the people in your neighbourhood

We have started running you through some of the powerful figures in the NT you may not be familiar with. The NT Labor party has a problem with the free press, a bit like their mates in the Workers’ Party of Korea, but we are glad NT Labor and NT Young Labor supreme leader Anthony Brereton is still reading the NT Independent. He was in an ABC story on Friday saying the party had concerns about the possibility of postal votes being cast after election day and raised these concerns with the NTEC. Of course he read about this issue in the NT Independent. And even though the irony of their complaint was lost on them, don’t worry Supreme Leader, we don’t hold grudges.

ALP NT Supremo will soon be making complaints to anyone who will listen about poor Photoshopping.

Blocking press freedom like you are a tin pot dictatorship is shameful and gammon.

The Terry-less Alliance

In true Territory clusterfuck-style Territory Alliance exploded everywhere at the election like a violent, crazed drunk, vomiting pizza over anyone looking on, down Mitchell St. While not pleasant to witness, or be a part of, it’s also not unexpected on any given Saturday.

Some insiders say Terry Mills, aka the Retribution Reverend, had a slight power obsession and the party, probably more accurately described as a political gaggle, really stood for nothing and was actually just a black hole despite them having some more detailed policies than other parties. Even if some of the policies had been pulled from the back of Delia Lawrie’s old Labor couch. But we don’t think you have to be an insider to have formed that opinion.

Territory Alliance when viewed through a large telescope array made up of a global network of radio telescopes.

Let’s just say there was a lot of dark matter and dark energy going on. It is probably more a question of how the charade lasted so long.

Fong Lim MLA Jeff Collins lost his seat and Robyn Lambley is currently leading Araluen by 12 votes with 77 per cent counted. Even Health Minister Nathasha Fyles with her mad CPR skillz could not resuscitate this party. And really, those who have power of attorney for Terry-less Alliance should put a ‘do not resuscitate’ order on it. Sometimes euthanasia is the kindest way, but really they self-euthanised with their campaign. Regardless Terry would be happy, his motto was always: “live fast, die young.”

A statue of the former president of Palmghanistan Terry Mills being pulled down. Mills was the leader of the revolutionary Territory Dysfunction Party. * digitally altered image

Terry-less Alliance’s election performance was gammon.

Make the Territory sort of okayish again

‘I’m the most successful person ever to run for chief minister, by far. Nobody’s ever been more successful than me. I’m the most successful person ever to run. Joel Bowden isn’t successful like me.’

And so we have four more years of a Labor Government and for some time at least, Chief Minister Michael Gunner maintains his job as the boss. As highlighted by the NT Independent in early April, the Chief, aka General Fannie Bay started getting Trump-esque on border theoretic.

The following is what he would be saying this week if he were holding a press conference.

Reporter: “What are your priorities for this term of government?”

Gunner: “I will build a great wall to stop COVID. And nobody builds walls better than me, believe me, believe me – and I’ll build it very inexpensively. I will build great, great walls on our borders and I will make the other states pay for those walls. Mark my words. Let me tell you, I’ve saved more lives and more jobs than anyone else in the history of the world. I know, this is true. Look it up. It’s in all the books. I love lives. I’m not saying this to brag, because you know what, I don’t have to brag.”

“If I hadn’t have been elected everyone would have died. I have made the Territory the safest place in the world. I love safe places. No one loves safer places more than me. We came up with coronavirus testing. When I took over we didn’t even have a test. We are lower than the world on cases. You may not know this. Not many people know this, I only found this out the other day, but coronavirus saves election results.”

Reporter: “Um..What did you sign when you were in China in October?”

Gunner: “China has a lot of respect for Michael Gunner and for Michael Gunner’s very, very large brain. I like president Xi a lot. I think he’s a friend of mine. From what I hear. But that signing thing is fake news. NT Independent is fake news. They are the enemy of the people. Chris Walsh is fake news. I think it’s a disgrace. I know what’s good and bad. I’d be a pretty good reporter…not as good as you. The information about that is real but the news is fake. I’m always signing things. I’m signing something right now. I don’t know what it is.”

Reporter: “Um, you’re not signing anything, you’re at a press conference.”

With the election won and Gunner’s appalling approval rating improved, for now, it is the death of the oh so cynical Sweary Mick. But maybe in October when they release the Budget they may need him back.

Gunner: “Wait, let’s see who’s…I want to find a friendly reporter. We have a 5 billion dollar website. I have so many websites. I have them all over the place… I hire people… it costs me three dollars.”

Reporter: “Umm.”

Gunner: “I will be the greatest jobs chief minister that God ever created. My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.

Reporter: “Um…Who told you to begin swearing chief minister?”

Gunner: “Like, okay, I love to swear. Michael Gunner told Michael Gunner to swear because I swear better than anyone in the world. No one swears better than me. There were no swear words until I invented them. My favourite part of Pulp Fiction is when Sam has his gun out in the diner and he tells the guy to tell his girlfriend to shut up. “Tell that bitch to be cool. Say: Bitch be cool”.’ I love those lines. We, Labor, have bad words. I know bad words. Believe me, do I know bad words. I know the best bad words.”

Reporter: “Where do you rate yourself among the pantheon of great chief ministers?”

Gunner: “I’m think I’m doing a great job. We have the best economy we’ve ever had. We’re going to be the comeback capital too. I would give myself…I would, look I hate to do it but I will do it. I would give myself an A+. Is that enough? Can I go higher than that?

“The line of ‘Make the Territory okayish again,’ the phrase, that was mine, I came up with it about fours years ago, and I kept using it, and everybody’s using it, they are all loving it. I don’t know, I guess I should copyright it, maybe I have copyrighted it.”

“I’m a very stable person. I’m so stable you wouldn’t believe it. I look very much forward to showing my financials, because they are huge.”

“Bing, bing, bong, bong, bong.”

And what did we learn from all of this?

We find most situations in life come back to the final scene in the Cohen Brothers film, Burn After Reading, where a CIA superior receives a briefing from his underling CIA officer Palmer where, after a series of chaotic events orchestrated by inept people – including the CIA – seemed to have turned out okay. And of those who could publicly expose what had happened, one was in a coma with no brain function and the other could be bought off with a boob job. This election result really feels like that.

Superior: “What do we learn, Palmer?”

Palmer: “I don’t know, sir.”

Superior: “I don’t fucking know, either. I guess we learnt not to do it again.”

Palmer: “Yes, sir.”

Superior: “I’m fucked if I know what we did.”

Palmer: “Yes, sir, it’s hard to say.”

Superior: “Jesus fucking Christ”.

Being stuck in a real life version of a satirical movie scene is gammon.

And nothing really matters

Chief Minister Michael Gunner with Deputy Chief Minister Lia Finocchiaro.

One thing the election did prove, is that nothing really mattered at all. While the NT is facing a ridiculous debt, the level of which Labor are forced to come clean by October, (anyone bet on the Chief taking a lovely October holiday somewhere?), is anyone’s guess, but none of the parties even came close to talking about how they would address the structural and cultural problems that are causing it. Labor barely bothered even coming up with policies at all and really gave nothing for the voter to hold them specifically to account for. People’s fears about crime didn’t even seem to bother the electoral scorers either. Nor did ICAC findings. And as for the money wasting, hidden MLA travel expenses, secret China deals, ineptitude and gross departmental safety process failures raised by this newspaper, we may as well have been running cute baby and best hairdresser polls.

So the way we read the election result it will be about 22 seats for the Country Labor Party, one for Terry-less Alliance and two independents. Whichever wing of the Country Labor Party is in power at the time, Labor or the conservatives, the other side waits patiently on the sidelines for their chance to drive the white cars, fly overseas with no accountability and block freedom of information requests at a disgraceful rate. And they can just alternate their policies on crime.

Ahh, the great Territory lifestyle.

More good n’ gammon

• Good n’ gammon XVIII: The vote like you don’t want anyone to win edition
• Good n’ gammon: Edition XVII – The vote for me or you will die edition

• Good n’ gammon: Edition XVII -The real Territory heroes, Labor Ministers

• Good n’ gammon: Edition XVI – Now published later than it should be

• Good n’ gammon – Edition XV: Now with no good whatsoever

• Good n’ gammon – Edition XIV: Now with extra gammon

• Good n’ gammon – Edition XIII: It’s the constitution, it’s Mabo, it’s justice, it’s law, it’s Daniel Andrews
• Good n’ gammon – Edition XII: The two-for-one heart-lung machine deal
• Good n’ gammon – Edition XI: See the secret document Gunner signed
• Good n’ gammon – Edition X: The free Dr Hugh Heggie edition
• Good n’ gammon – Edition IX: The end of press freedom commemorative edition
• Good n’ gammon – Edition VII: Clive Palmer the media mogul
• Good n’ Gammon – Edition VI: It’s about Lia Fena-cario
• Good n’ Gammon – Edition V
• Good n’ Gammon – Edition IV
• Good n’ Gammon – Edition III
• Good n’ Gammon – Edition II