Another week in the Territory and now we are fully lubricated. From the cops’ call for more honest criminals, to dental dams by the truck load, to the NT News’ most favouritest fraudster. This is what is good and what is gammon this week.

And you want to be my latex salesman

In the best news we can provide you, after a grueling search, the Department of Health has awarded its tender for companies to supply both men’s and lady’s condoms, dental dams and lubricants for the next three years. That’s 81,000 his and her condoms, 25,000 dental dams (click here for the low down on dental dams if you have no sniffs what they are) – which will probably mostly be going to Alice Springs – and 81,000 sachets of lube. And it is only going to cost $150,000. They of course, of course, include warming and tingling condoms. Because once your penis knows luxury, there’s no going back.

Free government condoms and dental dams are good.

Better behaviour expected from criminals

Strike Force Viper Detective Senior Sergeant Rob Jordan said in a press release this week an 18-year-old man in Alice Springs allegedly called triple zero in the early hours of last Friday morning, asking police to come and arrest him. Snr Sgt Jordan said the man’s honesty was “refreshing and urged other offenders to follow suit.”

“It was certainly out of the blue. He was rather helpful and cooperative. If only other offenders would do the same,” he said.

And it is hard to argue with criminals becoming more virtuous. But we think the Senior Serg also forget to point out another exemplary quality of this alleged crim; that of patience. He probably had to wait on the line for 45 minutes or so to get through and then wait for the extremely busy Red Centre coppers to come and cuff him.

Having more honest criminals is good.

Centre for National Media Control

This is a bit hard for us to understand but our friends at the NT Government News are actually referring to the Howard Springs quarantine facility using the Orwellian-sounding term, the National Resilience Centre. Well, apparently only half of it is, the bit with the international arrivals. And we actually think the Gunner Government called it the Centre for National Resilience but, hey, we’re just sticklers for accuracy in governmental language control. Whatever version you use, it is the worst kind of brain-rotting kooky bananas. When we read or hear it, we actually feel like our neurons are coughing and hacking up phlegm from the bowels of a lung, like a two pack a day emphysema sufferer, then dying in spasming asphyxiation. It really is the spin doctor equivalent of the 3.8 degree of difficulty reverse 2½ somersault with a 2½ twist, and a pike entry. It is Olympic level balderdash that could only have come from the Spin Factory spin kings with their PhDs in utter buljit. And just remember, you are paying them to come up with this. Paying them probably more than you are getting paid.

Regurgitating government spin is gammon. Especially spin at that level of rubbish. It is actually your job to do the opposite.

The soup-driven Comeback Capital

While talking about horrible spin we have this from another NT News article, about the “international” Laksa Festival, from Chief Minister Michael Gunner who was paraphrased as saying the festival was part of the Territory’s plan for economic recovery from the coronavirus pandemic.

“But this isn’t just about laksas, this is about jobs — the Laksa Festival puts us on the map, boosts tourism and supports local jobs — so buy more laksas to save more jobs,” he said.

The festival was his idea. We don’t know, however, whose idea it was to bang “international” at the front of it.

“I’m saving lives. And flogging laksas. This is literally the difference between life and death,” he could now say.

If the Tropical Light exhibition can pull 46,000 (see below) people into Darwin, imagine the millions a laksa festival could bring in the Build up. Screw Kakadu, we are coming up for a food we can get anywhere else.  But of course, in late September the NT News quoted an unnamed spokeswoman saying about last year’s festival, “foot traffic and sales of laksa at participating venues” were up by 41 per cent compared to the same period last year. Now, they are figures you can take to the bank.

We just don’t remember reading Andrew Liveris recommending a laksa-led recovery, he was talking about the foundation of the economy being gas. But obviously he’s just an idiot. And we too feel like ignorant and gullible idiots. No, the NT economy will be underpinned by 100 per cent renewables; spicy coconut milk and noodles, for as long as any of us are alive.

Gammon. Just gammon.

We fixed it for you

The NT News this week published a list of the Territory’s worst fraudsters. It came with the invitation to find out who made the list. An invitation too tempting for even us to resist. Did we make it? And it did include some high profile fraudsters. But one, Rita Mougros was a pretty rubbish fraudster, who only made off with $17,000 from Territory Families, and was given a six month suspended sentence.

Her entry was interesting however in that the paper couldn’t squeeze ahead of Mougris, former Darwin Elders real estate boss Chris Deutrom who directed $237,0000 in advertising rebates into personal accounts including a joint account with his wife, and who was jailed for a non-parole period of two years and six months. That seems like, admittedly by our very rough maths, about $200,000 more fraud than Mougros. Probably a very minor point to make here is the advertising rebates came from the NT News and realestate.com.au.

In giving evidence at the trial, NT News general manager Greg Thomson described how Duetrom asked him to delete an advertising agreement in the name of Deutrom’s personal company as pressure from his employer was applied. Which he did delete. However, Thomson told the court under oath he couldn’t remember if the request to do that came before or after Elders management contacted him seeking his assistance with the fraud case. And that foggy memory of Tommo’s came after then-prosecutor David Morters sought the judge’s permission to treat him as a hostile witness due to his story to authorities changing as the trial approached. Deutrom’s wife Helen also worked as a senior manager at the NT News at the time.

We are sure Mr Thomson would not be messing in the paper’s editorial decisions, so obviously it is just not much of a newsworthy story, and certainly not up there with a woman scamming $17,000 off the government. If you want to know more about the behind the scenes story of the real estate agent boss, and the general manager who loved him, you can email gregory.thomson@news.com.au

Forgetting your role in a crime is Gammon. Pretending it never happened is utter buljit.

Putting the Bruce back into art

We are sad to admit we were cynical about it, but the Northern Territory Government helped us see the light. The Tropical Light that is. According to government figures, and who are we to question them, more than 46,000 visitors came to Darwin to see Brue Munroe’s light spectacular, which started last November. That is four times the total attendance at the V8 Supercars in its most popular year. And when art is created by a bloke named Bruce, it can be nothing other than spectacular. And all for the low, low price of $19,444 per day, or $3.5 million over six months. So we have been staring at the inbox waiting for a Gunner Government email to tell us it is on again but nothing so far. How could something so ridiculously and inconceivably successful as Big Bad Bruce’s Pricey But Beaut Bright Lights Bonanza not be making a comeback? Especially in such terrible times for tourism in the NT? Surely this is the boost they need. And surely the government didn’t lie to us with those attendance figures.

Big Bad Bruce’s Pricey But Beaut Bright Lights Bonanza is the the best thing ever to happen in the Territory by a long way

Move over Ken it is all about Bruce

The NT Independent thinks not only should Big Bad Bruce’s Pricey But Beaut Bright Lights Bonanza be bought back, but we should look at every borrowed cent we have to expand. We need even more used plastic water bottles with lights in them. Let’s throw the kitchen sink at it. We can always strive to be better after all – let’s get that daily interest bill on loans up to $2 million. But we can also grab wasted cash from elsewhere. What are all those people in child protection doing anyway? We also have $3 million being wasted on the Independent Commissioner Against Corruption. All Commissioner Flemo does is erode the corrupt culture of the NT – the very foundation that this joint is built on. Fighting corruption is very bad for public service morale. Just ask the Katherine office of the Department of Infrastructure Planning and Logistics.  In May DIPL denied an NT Independent Freedom of Information request for a copy of a 474-page report of the finding from an investigation into corruption allegations. It said it would “erode the trust within the agency”. Anyway, if at any point we ever do decide to address or punish wrong doing, we could just force people similar to a one year non-parole period, to walk around Big Bad Bruce’s Pricey But Beaut Bright Lights Bonanza exhibition, and listen to the audio guide as well.

That would make the death penalty look like loving kindness.

Big Bad Bruce’s Pricey But Beaut Bright Lights Bonanza is beaut – both as the world’s best light spectacle, and the world’s best crime deterrent 

 

Some independent things are easier to swallow than others

Stop stop stop

The Chief Minister Michael Gunner seems to have gone and got himself increasingly unhingey over the last six months or so. Like his performance at a press conference last week where he stopped it abruptly after being questioned about his government’s blackflip on one of its key integrity measures. Or the very angry swearing on ABC Alice Springs radio before the election.

 

Then there was the very weird pleading in a radio debate about making sure the Banned Drinkers’ Register was kept by other parties if he didn’t win the election. And of course, maybe his greatest act of unhingeyness, running from the NT Independent at a press conference.

Surely you don’t do that if you are well.

And you really need to be careful for what we wished for. Look at us. Let’s start a newspaper we said!

But the Chief, in winning a second term on the back of using a global pandemic into scaring people into voting for him, now has the responsibility of doing something. While his party barely released any policies, which helps them avoid being kept to account for most things, the fact that his former Treasurer Nicole Manison told him she no longer wanted the job, he is now going to have to face the media and the public with the budget. His budget as Treasurer. With potnetially a significantly larger debt.

With his sometimes very fragile state when being questioned by journalists, the budget press conference might be a study of what an unhingey next four years will look like – or however long his stint lasts.

Give us a call on 0492 426 427 Chief, if you need someone just to talk to, or have a beer with. We’re not afraid of hugging other men. We’ve always been here to listen to you after all. You’ve just never had the courage to be vulnerable enough with us.

But when you are best mates with the ‘boss’ does it really matter?

We actually thought your boss, or bosses were Territorians who voted you back in. But hey, the election was months ago. How long are you expected to remember that fact for?