First it was frappes at the V8s. Then the raw food vendors hawking celery steaks, or whatever it is that they do. And now a brewer’s trying to pass off non-alcoholic fizzy dingo piss as beer and claiming Territorians are gagging for it.

On Wednesday the Japanese brewing giant Ashai Holdings, in its best unaffected guise as the hokey Great Northern Brewing Co. did its launch of its first grogless grog, Great Northern Zero, at a citadel of Top End debauchery, excess and Territoriality, The Cav, where many, many beers have been drunk, sometimes all in one sitting, and punches have been thrown, sometimes by press secretaries for chief ministers.

In earlier times that building was home to the even more imposing bulwark against ‘southern values’ and ideas about moderation, prudence and refinement; the infamous Don Hotel where beers were also drunk and punches thrown but at a level that would make contemporary drinkers scared.

And inside that was a dark recess, a cavity and portal into now unknown depraved frontierism, known as the Bamboo Lounge, described by one local who doesn’t mind snorting many (alcoholic) brews and throwing a punch himself, as a bloodhouse and a horror show.

It’s reported, that at the opening of the Territory’s first casino, which was in the Don, a waitress spilt a tray of drinks over Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser in retaliation for the dismissal of Gough Whitlam’s government by the Governor-General.

There could be no one more qualified to finally deal with an Australian Constitutional crisis than a Darwin bar wench.

In 1898, Banjo Paterson visited Darwin, then known as Palmerston, and had his observations published in The Bulletin.

“There is an Act compelling a publican to refuse drink to an habitual inebriate,” he wrote.

“This is locally known as the ‘Dog Act’ and to be brought under the Dog is a glorious distinction, a sort of V.C of Northern Territory life.”

For those playing at home, he was not talking about no-alcohol beer.

In 2020 in a press release – the new way of the world and a way to sanitise and corporatise the public discourse – the woman with the aspirational title, CUB’s head of contemporary brands, Antonia Ciorciari, said the company’s foray into the non-alcoholic beer market “reflected the booming demand amongst Territorians for alcohol-free beer options”.

Yep, she said booming demand.

It seems in a place inflicted with a “rivers of grog” problem that a “booming demand” for alcohol free beer is the polar opposite – the gross overstatement versus the gross understatement – of the wry observation, it gets a bit warm in the Build up.

When this newsroom received a media advisory on Tuesday of Wednesday’s beer launch, the question was asked, “Who wants to cover this?”

At the time it seemed like an existential crisis and one with potentially fatal implications for a fledgling newsroom, when no journalist wanted to get free beer in exchange for writing about the tasteless, aimless and painless brew. On reflection it seems our highly developed journalism alcohol instincts were subconsciously guiding us.

As an attempted injection of credibility to the marketing pantomime, they wrangled Outback Wrangler Matt Wright into the farce.

“Be it out on the boat with the family, looking for a rogue croc on the air boat or heli fishing with the boys, you sometimes would like to snap the cap on a coldie but it’s just not an option. Great Northern Zero means I can get in on the action and still partake in a cold beer on a hot day. It’s a bloody ripper idea!” he’s quoted as saying, even though it sounds like nothing anyone could possibly ever say.

But he is really more of a sensitive new age croc antagoniser than we’ve ever had before.

Banjo Paterson continued in his piece about Darwin with more observations that could be as legitimate now as they were 122 years ago.

“It’s all talk and drink,” wrote Paterson, “They don’t do anything else to speak of, yet they have a curious delusion that they are a very energetic and reckless set of people.”

So the only thing that’s changed is they’ve taken the alcohol out of the beer, which for a place with one of the worst drinking addictions in the world, may be as good of an idea as celery steaks.

It may not make us more energetic but possibly less reckless and possibly feckless.

The Gunner Government adopted the nonsensical Boundless Possible slogan-to-defeat-bogans and now the place is a nest for paleo fiends, intravenous almond milk injecters and alcohol-free beer sippers.

The NT, that became world famous on the back of a speed addled buffalo catcher and crocodile poacher who died in a hail of bullets in suicide by cop, captured and regurgitated in a cariacture that was made palatable in the celluloid form of Mick Dundee, has been boundless possibled out of existence.

Which is fine.

But still, that’s not a beer…