Another week in the Territory and welcome to wherever we are, the long, quiet build up before our new government. From the serenity of a vote counting epoch, to the water-parks-for-all new normal, to why the NT News stuck the NT Government up its clacker. This is what is good and what is gammon this week.

Enjoy it while it lasts

We are in a golden age. Well, a golden week or so. After the bluster, braggadocio and bullshit of the election campaign, and the elation and political death that comes for some after, we are deep in an elongated vote count with no government sworn in, so we have some respite from politicians. Long may the vote count epoch continue.

States of political quietude are good.

Running like it stole something

After stopping no stations for five months, The Ghan is running again this week and should be in Darwin around nowish.

The Ghan running again is good.

The death of a laksa house

Potential future Darwin lord mayor Amye Un is trying to sell her Stuart Park warung because she said with the COVID-19 restrictions and the economy she is not making enough coin. If she can’t sell it, she said will close. While we think she could well have benefited from, at least occasionally, having the oxtail soup that she advertised on the side of her building available for purchase – this column was successful it getting it once out of 13 attempts – it is sad to see a small business close down. She is not alone, she just has a way of getting more attention than your average business though. With a lot of potential spare time on her hands, we don’t think she should limit herself to mayor, benevolent(ish) dictator would look good on her resume.

Ayme’s oxtail soup is bloody good soup.

That’s not beer

Great Northern Brewing Co, the folksy side of Japanese mega brewer Asahi, launched their new alcohol free beer in Darwin on Wednesday – that’s not free alcohol but alcohol free. This may be the next logical step in government alcohol harm reduction measures. Although that is not taking into account the mental anguish that would be caused by people necking an alcohol-free hops flavoured fizzy drink. We are not promoting grog consumption here – Territorians need no help in willing themselves into binge drinking – but stop the buljit with your senseless spin doctoring. Brewery spinner Antonia Ciorciari was quoted as saying about the new Great Northern Zero: “the company’s foray into the non-alcoholic beer market…reflected the booming demand among Territorians for alcohol-free beer options”. Sure mate. “I wish I had an alcohol free beer”, has been said by zero Territorians ever. Perhaps that is how it really got its name.

Asahi, your weasel words are buljit.

Warm spots less popular than wet spots

The Health Department took COVID-19 policy in a brave new direction when it created and then decreed lukewarm spots for the Gold Coast and Brisbane areas, saying people coming from there didn’t have to quarantine but asking them “to refrain” from visiting remote communities, residential aged care and disabilities facilities – but feel free to lick anyone else you come across on the face obviously. It was unenforceable and bizarre. Then they had to wait a few days to make it look like it was something real before Dr Hugh Heggie revoked it. We don’t know how the upper echelons of the Health Department are getting all this crack into the NT with such tight border restrictions but someone needs to get them to stop smoking it.

While NT Health has helped keep Territorians safe from COVID-19, some of the public advice coming out of there is gammon.

We are tipping the next NT Health directive for COVID-19 will be that we all must wear masks like this.

Let’s subject tourists to the Build Up

There has been talk about both the unwillingness of Australians to want to come and pick Territory mangoes and some criticism of the effectiveness of the Million Dollar Barra comp to actually attract tourists to come in the Build Up to die in the relentless heat of some remote creek, thinking actually being eaten by a croc would be a better use of their time. One punter even took to the radio to say coming up to spend time in the searing heat, picking mangoes with their acidic sap (with some forced to pay $3,000 – quarantine plus flights – for the privilege) might make people want to move here permanently. That would be about as successful a way to lure people here in the Build up as a laksa festival or the Tropical Light festival. But, as we pride ourselves on assisting the NT Government, we have a solution for the problem: the Million Dollar Mango competition. That one lucky mango among the roughly 10,000,000 sap-spitting bastard mangoes would make it all worthwhile.

Surely now is the time for the government to quietly pull a screen around the Tropical Light exhibition and shoot it like a racehorse with four broken legs.

Good ideas are good.

A new police division

The NT Independent broke new ground in reporting this week, exclusively reporting on the new Sax Crimes Division of the NT Police. While we would definitely support a Sax Crimes Division or any political party that promised to outlaw the saxophone, unfortunately it is just that we got it wrong.

The NT Independent’s mistakes are gammon.

The next logical step

The NT Government News has taken, what we can only see as, the next logical step in its loving relationship with the Gunner Government by going past reporting on government policy, to seemingly creating government policy. In what is breathtaking, pioneering journalism, they splashed on the front page the “plan” for a surf park on the Darwin Waterfront. The story quoted no named sources and offered no official government comment or indication that a comment was sought. We can only conclude the NT News has become the new tourism policy advisor for the Chief (actually the reality might be worse). The alternative to that explanation is the government gave them the “exclusive drop” to report on this mythical surf park because they knew the news that the Westin Hotel construction was suspended and would probably be scrapped was going to come out. We are in no way implying the paper wrote this story because of this reason. Absolutely not implying that. Well, we are, but more sadly probably think the paper didn’t think deeply about the reason why their dear friends on the fifth floor were giving this ‘story’ to run uncritically.

Running unsubstantiated government PR on the front page is gammon.

Cowabunga dudes, shit we forgot we’ve already played this trick

One of the problems with what happened with that story, presumably both of the loving couple forgot, was that in June last year the Gunner Government was forced to scrap plans to build a “water theme park” on contaminated land at the harbourfront near the old oil tanks after receiving no credible expressions of interest. It had spent $500,000 developing a feasibility plan. Maybe before the 2024 election, if Labor actually decides to have policies this time, Chief Minister Michael Winfrey should promise every Territorian a water park of their very own.

“Unless you choose to do great things with it, it makes no difference how much you are rewarded, or how much power you have.” ― Oprah Winfrey

Trying to spin doctor when you don’t even remember what was a failed policy from the year before is gammon.

Bitchin’ waves bro

Kon and Gunner first met as young groms. The have shared interests including man-made surf parks. And China.

What we are really worried about is the fight to the death now over who will get a surf park in Darwin. On the Territory Government’s investment website, the Darwin Council is seeking private investment for a recreational development at Vestey’s Beach which would include a man-made surf facility. What a coincidence. Why stop at two? Why don’t we become the artificial surf park capital of the world. Maybe this is the Chief Minister’s secret plan to make us the COVID comeback capital. One in Kakadu at the bottom of Jim Jim falls. One on top of Uluru. One in the Adelaide River – dubbed The Danger Surf Park. Think surfing with sharks is dangerous? Trying surfing with crocs. One in Bunnings carparks. And most importantly, one in the backyards of every voter in Darwin’s northern suburbs. But they must be financed with Federal Government money meant to tackle remote indigenous disadvantage, or it would just not seem right.

This is gammon.

Opening up to the synergies

Going back to the relationship between the NT Government and the NT News. A fake NT News edition created by Tourism NT went as a lift-out in the major News Corp papers down south. They have literally sold their masthead to the government. Sadly we have to say again, as they did something similar in Queensland last year. The NT News was so proud of themselves for selling out their readers they wrote a story about it for them. This is the media outlet that is supposed to be holding the government to account for their readers. Even more sadly it was not just a business decision made by general manager Greg Thomson with the story containing this line: NT News editor Matt Williams supported the move…”

The front page that should go viral.

The government and the paper are like the disgraceful drunken pair, who are married to other people, full on disco pashing each other on the dance floor of Monsoons during the day on a Tuesday while the public just stares at them. Then stumbling outside into the midday sun to have a quick knee trembler in Mitchell St. Seeing they have already consummated the relationship, they should shack up together, with the NT News office moved to the fifth floor. They are already giving policy advice after all. And maybe for efficiency’s sake the ministerial spin doctors could write the stories for them and cut out the middle men. Then News Corp could give their current Wino Hill site to the government who could build a surf water park on it. The NT News memorial surf water park. Synergies.

Having a good head for good business is good. For this we have to award our first ever double buljit. This is double buljit.